Rated Greg

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Love Stories

1. Clarence and Alabama – True Romance
2. Marianne and Heloise – Portrait of a Lady on Fire
3. Jerry and Dorothy – Jerry Maguire
4. Romeo and Juliet – Romeo and Juliet (1996)
5. Sebastian and Annette – Cruel Intentions

Last month at various get-togethers (which seems like over a year ago now), friends would ask me what I thought of Parasite winning Best Picture at the Oscars.  I responded with mixed feelings.  On one hand I was admittedly rooting for 1917 during the telecast, not because I thought 1917 was the better movie but because I had a small wager on it.  There was no way the Academy voters would pick a foreign language class thriller over an immaculately choreographed war epic, right? Or so I thought.  On the other hand when Parasite pulled off the upset, part of me was glad despite the result reducing my net worth by a whole $20 bill.  This was a deserving, exciting, and quite simply an interesting choice compared to the rather blandness of most of the winners this century (looking at you Argo, looking at you Green Book, don’t even get me started King’s Speech). 

Perhaps Parasite’s win signals a shift in the taste of the Academy.  Or perhaps it’ll turn out to be just an anomaly.  Let’s not forget that after Moonlight won Best Picture in 2016, the Academy gave 2017’s top award to The Shape of Water, which is….oh I don’t know….JUST ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.  I’m guessing Parasite will leave a larger footprint on the culture than other recent winners, but only time will tell if the future Best Pictures of the 2020’s will be as widely regarded across all fans of cinema as the South Korean powerhouse.

But here’s the thing about Parasite.  While it’s a really good movie, and again a more than fine choice out of the nominated pool, it actually wasn’t even the best foreign language film released last year, let alone best film.  No, that distinction goes to Portrait of a Lady on Fire.  HOLY SHIT.  Portrait of a Lady on Fire.  ONE MORE TIME.  Portrait of a Lady on Fire!  Rarely would I ever proclaim a movie as perfect, but fuck it, life’s short and this French masterpiece is downright flawless. 

Is it possible for someone who’s favorite movie is Bad Boys to also worship a quiet film about two 18^th century women who fall in love?   A film with no guns?  No mystery to be solved? Less than five lines of dialogue even spoken by a male character in the entire 120 minutes?   And it’s FRENCH, no less?  Prior to Sunday night I might have said no, but that was a lifetime ago. 

Before I continue, let’s take a moment to look back on other famous movie paintings…

Ok back to our regularly scheduled program

Portrait of a Lady on Fire is unlike any of the romances you’ve grown accustomed to.  Typical love story beats like meet-cute’s and grand gestures are thrown to the wayside and what’s left is an extremely real experience.  There’s purposely not even any music in the film until just before the credits.  According to director Celine Sciamma, any semblance of a score was absent because she wanted the audience to be solely focused on the rhythm and movements of the movie, a relationship between bodies and camera that can be interpreted as it’s own form of music.  It was an excellent choice to make it this way, for the chemistry between the two leads is undeniably captivating and you don’t need strings in the background to tell you so.  

Now, you might be wondering, if Portrait of a Lady on Fire is SOOOO great (insert eye roll emoji), then why wasn’t it recognized at the Oscars alongside the likes of Parasite if it technically came out last year?  Well, the answer is simple.  The Academy only allows non-English speaking countries to submit ONE feature film per year for awards consideration (dumb rule, I know).  And the French, inexplicably, decided to submit yet another iteration of Les Miserables, thinking that it was more likely to appeal to Academy voters than the queer, quiet Portrait.  They made this decision despite Portrait’s reportedly raucous reception at the Cannes Festival premiere and will have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

I could go on and on about the merits of Portrait of a Lady on Fire but you’re better off just checking it out for yourself. Don’t read anything else, don’t listen to anything else, and most importantly don’t be like France.  Reward and appreciate one of the best love stories of all time.  It’s now streaming for free on Hulu* and something tells me you have a lot of free time on your hands.  Grade: A+**

*Shoutout to Neon, who acquired the theatrical rights to Portrait and allowed Hulu to push up the release on its service several weeks in the wake of the pandemic.  This is before Neon is even able to make the film available on demand.

**For the purposes of Rated Greg’s annual rankings, Portrait of a Lady on Fire will be considered a 2020 film given that it was not released wide to American theaters until Valentines Day 2020, having been in only two theaters across the country before then. 

A few of you have hit me up asking for streaming recommendations during these trying times.  First off, thank you. That is always, without a doubt, my FAVORITE text to get.  I could be having the busiest, shittiest day, but if you think of me when trying to find something to watch I can’t help but take that consideration extremely seriously and try to find the perfect movie for you.  It honestly cheers me up.  With that in mind, here’s twenty movies I feel have been overlooked over the years that you might have missed, all currently on streaming services.  I know my usual rankings tend to skew towards the dudes, but I made sure to put something for everyone here. This list is in no particular order.

The Biggest Little Farm (Hulu) – Turn off the news.  Put your phone away.  And watch the most heart warming movie of 2019.  This 2019 documentary follows a young married couple determined to start a farm from scratch in a forgotten section of terrain in Southern California as they learn to co exist with the various creatures that flock their property. Grade: A-

Prisoners (HBO) – Mystic River meets True Detective.  If you enjoy the ambiance of shows like Ozark, The Outsider and True Detective, than you’ll love this 2013 crime mystery from Denis Villeneuve (Sicario) about two girls gone missing in a Pennsylvania suburb.  Hugh Jackman, in between Wolverine movies, as the angry Dad.  Jake Gyllenhaal, the best actor alive, as a neck tattoo’d detective with a cool haircut hot on the case.  This would have been an entire TV series had it come out in 2020. Please pay attention to the facial ticks that Gyllenhaal does throughout this film, which apparently weren’t in the script.  Such a fucking weirdo.  I love it.  Grade: A+

Warrior (Amazon Prime) – If you need a sports fix in your life check out 2011’s Warrior, which upon rewatch I think is the best fight movie of all time (sorry Creed).  Joel Edgerton (Australian) and Tom Hardy (British) play estranged brothers with curious Philly accents who both enter an MMA tournament in Atlantic City.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess who will face off in the tournament final.   Not only is this the best fight movie OF ALL TIME, but it’s also the man-cry movie of the decade. Grade: A+

Honey Boy (Amazon Prime) – Shia Labeouf wrote and stars in this autobiographical drama about what it was like to be a working actor as a child.  His performance as his abusive father was the most overlooked acting performance of 2019. Grade: B+

Long Shot (HBO) – Save this for date night.  Seth Rogen and Charlize Theron’s Long Shot was the best rom-com of 2019. Grade: B+

The Handmaiden (Amazon Prime) – The Handmaiden walked so Parasite could run.  This is another class thriller from South Korea about a lower class protagonist infiltrating a wealthy family.  While it lacks Parasite’s humor it makes up for in some truly batshit crazy sex scenes.  Here’s what I wrote about it in 2017. Grade: B+

Cold Pursuit (HBO) – Sometimes you just wanted to turn your brain off and watch a stupid action movie. Here’s what I wrote about it last Spring. Grade: B+

The Talented Mr. Ripley (Netflix) – I know we say all the time that they don’t make them like they used to, which is never really true, however they REALLY don’t make movies like The Talented Mr Ripley anymore. This is a fantastic rewatch if you haven’t seen it since it’s 1999 release. Grade: A-

The Descent (Hulu) – Last November I had the opportunity to explore the ancient cenotes of Tulum, Mexico during a trip with friends (shoutout Rash). It was a super cool experience and at the time seemed like a no brainer to partake, however had I seen 2005’s The Descent beforehand, a movie about a group of adrenaline junkie women exploring an Appalachian cave, I definitely would have declined the cenote experience and stayed at the pool.  For real, I’m never going in a cave again for the rest of my life after seeing this.   The Descent got on my radar a few weeks ago after Chris Ryan mentioned it as the scariest movie he’s ever seen on a Ringer podcast.  I wouldn’t go that far. The first half of the movie is truly terrifying, but the second half is a little silly. Full disclosure, this should ONLY be watched by horror fans.   Grade: B+

Under The Silver Lake (Amazon Prime) – A modern L.A. noir starring Andrew Garfield about a man who chooses to believe there’s some sort of conspiracy about his missing neighbor even though he might have simply just been ghosted.  This mystery movie is so fucking out there, I honestly don’t even remember much of what actually happens.  But it has a ton of cool/ funny scenes along the way. Grade: A-

Free Solo (Hulu) – Another uplifting Hulu documentary about the resilient human spirit (see note on Biggest Little Farm). Grade: A-

Hot Summer Nights (Amazon Prime) –  This got bad reviews from people that don’t deserve nice things. I’ll gladly watch Timothee Chalamet deal drugs in 1980’s Cape Cod anytime. Here’s what I wrote in 2018. Grade: A-

Rush (HBO) – Fans of Ford vs Ferrari will enjoy 2013’s Rush about two Formula 1 racing rivals engaging in a dick measuring contest throughout the 1970’s.  It’s a shame Chris Hemsworth’s output has mostly been Marvel movies the past decade because he proves in Rush that he’s more than capable of being the lead in an R rated action drama for adults.  Grade: A-

In A World… (HBO) – Lake Bell directs and stars in this charming 2013 dramedy about a female voice actor trying to break into the male dominated field of movie trailer voiceovers.  This movie was before it’s time and would have been much more celebrated had it come out in 2019 after Greta Gerwig broke all those barriers. Grade: A-

Tour de Pharmacy/7 Days In Hell (HBO) – These two sports mockumentaries would make an excellent double feature if you’re looking to laugh your ass off (both are less than an hour).  Between these HBO specials and Popstar, you could argue that no one made more funny shit in the 2010’s than Andy Samberg.  You probably don’t want to watch this if you’re holed up with your parents. Grade: A+

American Honey (Netflix) – A 3 hour, partially improvised road trip movie starring Shia Labeouf, Riley Keough, and first time actress Sasha Lane.  It’s more of a collection of beautiful scenes rather than a plot-driven film, but I love it ever so much.  Might be best to break it up in increments.  I’m currently learning how to play Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You because of this movie. Grade: A+

Blue Valentine (Netflix) – A heart-breaking drama/romance from 2010 starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.  If you and your significant other are currently on shaky ground, it might not be best to watch this together lol. Grade: A+

Children of Men (Starz) – Lots of people are going back and watching 2011’s Contagion given how eerily similar the virus thriller is to the happenings of the past few weeks.  If you enjoyed that experience, I’d urge you to watch 2006’s Children of Men next, another film about society on the brink of collapse that seems WAY more realistic in 2020 than it did fourteen years ago.  Alfonso Cuaron’s masterpiece. Grade: A+

The Next Three Days (Hulu/Amazon Prime) – Elizabeth Banks is convicted of murder and her husband Russell Crowe becomes obsessed with trying to break her out of a Pittsburgh prison.  Of all the movies on my A+ list, this 2010 thriller might be the only one that has never come up in conversation with another human being, digitally or in person.  I don’t really know why that is because this movie kicks ass!  Grade: A+

Drinking Buddies (Hulu) – Mumblecore at it’s best.  Jake Johnson, Olivia Wilde, Anna Kendrick, and Ron Livingston hang out, drink beer, make mistakes, be human.  Rinse and repeat.  Grade: A+

Drifty’s Official Saw Rankings

1. Saw (2004)
2. Saw III (2006)
3. Saw IV (2007)
4. Saw: The Final Chapter (2010)
5. Saw II (2005)
6. Jigsaw (2017)
7. Saw V (2008)
8. Saw VI (2009)

Editor’s Note: Meet Zach aka Drifty. Can you tell Zach likes the Saw movies?

I always love it when friends show enthusiasm towards random movies. Any movie. Even dumb ones. Scratch that, especially dumb ones. After all what’s more fun to talk about? The Terminator or Marriage Story? Popstar or Lincoln? Below Deck or The Crown?

Earlier this week, my friend Zach asked me if I would be posting a ranking of the eight Saw movies in anticipation for Saw IX coming out this May. After doing a double take that there’s been EIGHT of these fucking things, I regretfully informed him that I’ve only seen the first one (which is quite good btw). But I also invited him to write a guest post sharing his personal rankings and general thoughts on the shockingly popular franchise. Less than 24 hours later, I received the content below. Thank you, Zach. I’d like to invite anyone else to submit their passion projects to Rated Greg. As long as you match the fervor and thoughtfulness that Zach has displayed here I promise to post it.

Zach’s post below

Background:

The Saw franchise is based on a self righteous psychopath, John Kramer (played by the great Tobin Bell), who after his own personal tragedies decides to test other morally void individuals’ will to live through survivable traps that, if they survive, will give them a newfound appreciation for their lives. The movies follow the harrowing situations people are placed in and the dim witted cops trying to catch John aka Jigsaw. Through a series of apprentices, twists and turns, and gore, these films are a cult classic. Warning: Spoilers

I want to play a game:

Most OK to worst.

1. Saw I: the mere fact that there are 8 sequels by definition makes this the Most OK of the films as people thought it was a good idea to follow it up in the first place. There are also a couple famous people like Danny Glover and Carey Elwes.  The only other remotely famous person in the first eight films is Donnie Wahlberg who is unceremoniously killed in Saw 4. Released in 2004, this could actually be considered a legitimate thriller with a fantastic twist ending. See, the dead guy in the bathroom the whole time wasn’t dead, he was the killer! Mind. Blown.
2. Saw III: get this, the Jigsaw killer, John Kramer, gets killed by having his head nearly cut off with a circular saw in Saw III, and somehow the series continues for six more movies. This alone contributed to the absurdity of the series and unfortunately leads to the introduction of constant flashbacks to keep Jigsaw in the movies. Saw III follows a distraught and completely withdrawn father whose son was killed by a drunk driver. He is placed in the situation of encountering people in harrowing traps involved in his son’s death, including passerbys who did not stop to help, the judge who let the driver off, and the drunk driver himself. This movie has, in my opinion, the most gruesome trap, but it’s the drunk driver in it, so… he probably deserved to have his limbs twisted off right?
3. Saw IV: this movie is in a parallel timeline as Saw III and also ends in the sick room where Jigsaw is killed. The premise of the antagonist in the series of traps is quite ridiculous, as his ‘crime’ is that he is always to quick to help / take action and if he just did nothing he would have survived, as would have Donnie Wahlberg (who dies by having two giant ice blocks crush his head in comical fashion). This movie started the process of overly complicating things by creating all sorts of apprentice twists.
4. Saw VII: in what was initially titled the Final Chapter, this one focused on a guy who tried to get famous by saying he had survived a Jigsaw trap and wrote a book and was doing the TV circuit. Jigsaw was not happy this guy was lying and, well, put him and his entire production team in real traps. Only real memorable part is when John Kramer’s buxom widow, Jill Tuck, has her head ripped off in the reverse bear trap, which was introduced in Saw I and made various other appearances. This movie also brought back Carey Elwes who, after having to cut off his foot in Saw I, apparently became an apprentice of Jigsaw and helped carry out the games. Surprise! 
5. Saw II: a group of bad people are trapped in a house full of traps and die off one by one. Unlike Saw I, which only introduces John Kramer at the very end, Saw II focuses heavily on his life and what drove him to play his games and put people in traps. While interesting, II is the slowest of all the films and much of it is just Kramer being interrogated by the dim witted cops. Several famous traps are introduced, including the Venus fly trap and needle pit. 
6. Saw XIII (Jigsaw): unlike most critics, I found this movie quite entertaining. The first 7 Saws came out consecutively each year and ‘Jigsaw’ came after a 7 year break. It has a different vibe and is much less gory. Somehow the same cinematic trick of using changing time frames allows Jigsaw to remain in this film and convince the audience and dim witted cops (notice a trend) that he is still alive. It turns out to be just another John Kramer apprentice that is using Jigsaw like traps to get revenge on his enemies. ‘Jigsaw’ set things up for another film but I don’t think Saw IX will continue the story.
7. Saw 5: more or less a continuation of Saw 4 with cops chasing down each other trying to find Jigsaw’s accomplices. All the while a group of folks are in a series of traps laid out by Jigsaw while he was on his deathbed. The group slowly die one by one until the remaining two realize that the traps were all winnable if the group had worked together rather than sabotaging each other. Ah life lessons…
8. Saw VI: by far the least interesting and also most absurdly gory. Almost a social justice piece, Saw XI puts ‘evil’ insurance execs through a series of horrific traps for denying John Kramer his claim due to pre-existing conditions. For one, John Kramer died several movies ago, so enough with the time travel, and two, it’s a little extreme to force a guy to kill one of his co-workers with a shotgun to the face. A really stupid movie.

What to expect in Saw IX (Spiral): doesn’t look like Tobin Bell will be in it, all but discontinuing the original Jigsaw killer’s legacy. I’m guessing this will be more like a crime / police thriller with some references to the original Saw, but it will be it’s own film. One aspect that looks promising is that it was written by Chris Rock. With the success of other comedians turned horror producers (Jordan Peele), Saw IX has potential to be a legitimate film.

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Music Docs

1. The Defiant Ones
2. Miss Americana
3. Cobain: Montage of Heck
4. Amy
5. Wu-Tang Clan: Of Mics And Men

It’s easy to write off the contents of a Taylor Swift documentary as contrived.  But look, if that’s your first inclination when Miss Americana pops up on your Netflix homepage, then you should be skeptical towards the emotional output of any musician you do like, and that’s just no way to live.  So let’s give Taylor the benefit of the doubt here.  If you can believe this behind the scenes look at her life past to present is at least 90% authentic (I do), then the film will be a moving experience to anyone with a soul. 

Miss Americana covers Swift’s rise, her stumbles, her genius, and her loneliness.  Most notably the doc exposes her decision to enter politics in 2018 after all these years remaining silent.  Swift fully admits that she fucked up in a major way waiting so long to speak up, though you come to understand how the decision making abilities of someone who gets THAT famous THAT young are a lot more complicated than those of her peers who get to live in the real world.  Oh, and there’s also the Kanye thing.  Streaming on Netflix. Grade: A-

Rated Greg’s 5 Favorite Movies of All Time

1. Bad Boys
2. True Romance
3. Dazed and Confused
4. Raising Arizona
5. Scream

April 8th, 1995.  WHAT A TIME.  Bill Clinton was President.  OJ was on trial.  Madonna’s Take A Bow was the #1 song in the country.  The Ed O’Bannon-led UCLA Bruins were NCAA champions.  Dylan McKay was off the wagon.  And Rated Greg saw what would become his favorite movie of all time, Bad Boys, at the Beltway Plaza AMC 8 with his friend Jordan.  The prefect blend of sensational action and hilariously crude banter, quite frankly this 5^th grader didn’t know this style of filmmaking was allowed.  I mean, how can you watch this without wanting to run through a wall?!

Fun fact.  On LeBron’s HBO talk show The Shop, recent guest Will Smith tells a great story about his wardrobe in the scene above.  Director Michael Bay was adamant that Smith be shirtless during the chase.  Smith, understandably, thought that was absolutely ridiculous and felt it made more sense to, you know, have clothes on.  After arguing about it for a while they eventually compromised with the unbuttoned shirt.  That’s showbiz, baby!

1995’s Bad Boys gave Rated Greg a high that he’s been chasing at the movie theater ever since.  I imagine it’s the same feeling my Mom had the first time she heard the Beatles, or Donald Trump had the first time someone retweeted him.  Other great action movies have come and gone (including Bad Boys II), but the original Bad Boys will always be #1 in my heart. 

Fast forward 25 years, Will and Martin are back at it in Bad Boys For Life.  You might have noticed that this film was not included in my most anticipated for 2020.  It wasn’t an oversight, for I have to keep my guards up for what I hold precious.  Will Smith is 51 years old after all.  And Martin Lawrence 54. What would this look like?  Are they still running around Miami arguing over car etiquette and pulling the same shenanigans?  Remember that time they stuck up the convenience store?  How are they not in jail yet? 

But age actually wasn’t what worried me the most.  If anyone can pull a Cruise and still do viable action well into his 50’s it’s Will Smith.  And Martin never had to do any of the heavy lifting in that department anyways.  What worried me the most was the absence of director Michael Bay, the Phil Jackson to Will’s Michael and Martin’s Scottie.  The chemistry of the two leads essentially went hand in hand with Bay’s exceptional eye for action flare (and unbuttoned shirts).  The former music video director burst on the scene with his very first feature film in Bad Boys and he has remained far and away the best director of action sequences ever since.  While round 3 was of course offered to him first, Bay opted to take a reported 150 million dollar deal from Netflix instead.  Hard to blame him.  But without Bay I just wasn’t sure if this would work nearly as well as the first two films in the franchise.  It’s like seeing Aerosmith only to find out they replaced Joe Perry with a Jonas brother. 

So is Bad Boys For Life, all these years later, any good?  You know what?  Bad Boys For Life is still pretty good!  It’s not gonna blow your mind like the first two, but it’s still an above average action movie in 2020.  Think a step above the most recent Fast and Furious movies, but a step below the most recent Mission Impossibles and John Wicks.  What Bad Boys For Life most has going for it is the humor.  This is probably the funniest version of Mike and Marcus, but it comes at the expense of diluted action that is just…. fine.  Unironically “6 Underground,” the movie Michael Bay made for Netflix instead of Bad Boys 3, has absolutely STUPENDOUS, Bad Boys style action but the attempts at humor throughout the film are quite embarrassing.  Bay, Will, and Martin really prove to better than the sum of their parts if you made a Venn diagram of the two films. 

After seeing Bad Boys For Life, it’s pretty clear why Columbia decided to return to this saga.  The third film was never meant to be swan song for Will and Martin, but rather a reboot to turn the Miami police department into it’s own Fast and Furious type franchise, with a bunch of fresh, young, dick swinging characters of eclectic cultural backgrounds (pitch – Give us a spinoff featuring Vanessa Hudgens’ character called Bad Girls).  It’s undeniably calculated, but if that’s what it takes to get the original Bad Boys back on the screen bickering with each other I’m fine with it.  We Ride Together, We Die Together. Bad Boys For Life. Grade: B–

PS – I say this about a lot of movies, but this one especially needs to be seen at the theater, preferably a packed theater.  I typically avoid loud, enthusiastic, sold out crowds, but having companions to enjoy the many callbacks to the first two films significantly levels up the experience of Bad Boys 3.